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Author
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Topic: Jokes please
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secondratehero
Member # 51
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posted November 03, 2001 17:38
i'm in the mood for some jokes, so, post some funny ones.i'll start i guess a teacher walks into class to find swear words all over the blackboard. upset, she tells all the children to close their eyes and whoever did it, erase it from the board. they all close their eyes and after thirty seconds, open, to find the words erased, except for a sentence at the bottom which says "FUCK YOU TEACHER, THE PHANTOM STRIKES AGAIN"  i love that joke, this too, coz when people hear it they either crack up or hit me for being so unfunny Q)why did the girl fall off the bike?
A)because she had no arms
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"i never want to say my best days are behind me"
Posts: 33 | From: harrow, london, england | Registered: Oct 2001
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nose over tail
Member # 57
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posted November 03, 2001 20:27
two muffins are in an oven. one muffin goes "man, its getting really hot in here." and the other yells "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"how many sXe kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. sXe kids don't screw. there are two bunny rabbits. one is named in and the other is named out. well, one day in and out are outside playing and out goes in for a little bit. in and out's mom tells out to go outside and find in. a few minutes later, in and out come in and the mom says, "hey out. how did you find in so fast?" and out said, "in stinks." how do you put on an outer space party? you PLANET! knock knock.
whos there?
interrupting cow.
interru-
MOO! ok. thats all i can think of.
Posts: 304 | From: evansville | Registered: Oct 2001
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Clobber
Member # 38
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posted November 03, 2001 22:43
This is sort of dirty..and long..but here we go.
(Sorry if i tell this wrong..i heard from a friend of a friend if you get what i am saying)Ok, so there is a flea sitting in a bar down south and he is waiting for his other flea friend whom he meets every year around the same time.
His friend comes in and is completely frozen. He is asked why this is so, and explains that he rode the whole way down to the bar in some guys moustache who drove a motorcycle.
The first flea laughs at the second flea and decides to tell him a secret way of getting down there without ending up being so cold.
He states "All you have to do is find a woman at a bar, climb up her leg, and nestle right in that special area..just fall asleep and you will be here in no time, nice, warm, and comfy."
The second flea thanks his friend for the welcome advice and decides to use this clever trick next year.
So the next year the first flea is sitting at their bar waiting for his friend..his friend enters and again he is just about frozen right through..he is asked why this is so and he tells his friend the story.."Well bud, i did what you said. I found a woman at a bar..i climbed up her leg..i nestled right in that specail area..it was warm..comfy..everything i could ask for...I fell asleep like you said..and the next thing i know..i wake up in some guys moustace who is driving a motorcycle" I know this was very very..not good..but whatever.
Plus i can't say it very well on the internet..blah. [ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Clobber ]
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Sink it
Posts: 316 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2001
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the placebo
Member # 20
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posted November 03, 2001 23:30
two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.here's a dumb joke my spanish teacher told me (in spanish so it's not as funny in english...as if it would be funny in spanish anyway): one day in the jungle, the king lion called a meeting of all the animals in the jungle. he was feeling a bit ruthless and he told them, "i have a surprise for today. i am going to choose one of you, and you must tell a joke. if all the other animals don't laugh at your joke, i eat you." all the animals were scared and the lion said, "okay....giraffe! i choose you. tell a good one or i eat you." so the giraffe tells the funniest joke ever and all the animals die laughing....except for the tortoise. the tortoise just stands there. so the lion says, "okay giraffe, the tortoise didn't think your joke was funny," and he ate the giraffe then and there. then he called on the hippo to tell a joke. the hippo also tells one of the funniest jokes in the world and all the animals roll with laughter except the tortoise once again. the lion says, "well looks like the tortoise didn't think it was very funny," and eats the hippo. the lion then calls on the monkey to tell the joke. halfway through the monkey's joke, the tortoise explodes with laughter. the lion says, "what the hell? why are you laughing, tortoise? the monkey hasn't even finished his joke yet." to this the tortoise replies, "man, that giraffe's joke was hilarious." yeah. [ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: the placebo ]
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"now it is time for you to drink the melted silver teapot! enjoy a molten beverage that will coat your insides with a shiny smooth finish! then you will eat the table because i keep my promises!"
Posts: 205 | From: nashville, tn | Registered: Oct 2001
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Walter Sobchek
Member # 37
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posted November 04, 2001 08:18
It's long, but I like it. Ahem...A farmer and his wife have many children, and after a while, run out of names to give to all of the new ones. When the youngest ones begin school one day, the kindergarten teacher does role call and goes around and asks everyone to give their name and something about themselves for the class.
One kid says, "I'm Billy and my daddy drives a mail truck." She then comes up to one of the farmer's kids. He says,
"My name is wagon wheel, and my daddy is a farmer"
"Son, what's your real name?" asks the teacher?
"Wagon wheel. My daddy ran out of names for us, so he started to name us after the things around the farm." The teacher then tells him she's had enough and to go to the principle. He walks out, and stops by his brother on the way out. "Come on Donkey Shit, she won't believe you either."
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dude...dude. You're being very un-dude. Nothing is fucked here. Nothing is fucked. They're all a bunch of FUCKIN AMATUERS!
Posts: 237 | From: SmAlbany, NY | Registered: Oct 2001
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Daniel
Member # 54
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posted November 04, 2001 09:55
A penguin is driving in Arizona. While he is driving, oil is squirting out of the engine so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says, "It is Arizona, and you are a penguin, so why don't you walk down the street to the ice cream shop so you can cool off." The penguin goes to the ice cream shop and orders some vanilla ice cream. Since he is a penguin and has no hands, he is fumbling with the ice cream and making a mess all over the place. After eating ice cream, the penguin goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin then replies, "Oh, no, that's just ice cream."
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"Hats off to the nun with the man hands."i was/am WashinMyGoat.
Posts: 386 | From: Evansville, In, USA | Registered: Oct 2001
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Kristin
unregistered
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posted November 05, 2001 01:35
what's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?a prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again... that got me a free sundays best cd, aw yeah. how do you get an elaphant up a tree? take the f out of way.
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UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
and the phantom, damn, maybes its brit humour. screw you hippeeee 
kiddin
